World Childless Week, held between 16-22 September 2024, aims to raise awareness of the childless not by choice (CNBC) community and enable every childless person to share their story with confidence.
Kelly Da Silva, Spectrum’s Patient Experience and Co-Production Facilitator, bravely shares her story with us:
Childless ‘Not by Choice’ – We Are Worthy!
As a woman who is childless ‘not by choice,’ I’ve wrestled with the concept of worthiness for over a decade. My fertility journey, or rather infertility journey, spanned nearly 10 years. It included two miscarriages, six unsuccessful Clomid cycles, three IUI treatments, and four rounds of IVF. Each step drained me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The heart-wrenching decision to say “enough is enough” became necessary for my well-being. Letting go of my dream of becoming a mother wasn’t easy, but what followed—a journey of grief, loss, and ultimately, self-discovery—was unexpected yet transformative.
The Societal Lens of Worthiness
As humans, we all seek connection and a sense of belonging. In our society, parenthood is often one of the most common bonds. When meeting someone new, the question “Do you have children?” surfaces almost inevitably. My responses —“Unfortunately not”, “We would have loved to have them” or simply “No”— are often met with sympathetic expressions or unsolicited advice, such as, “Why don’t you just adopt?”
These reactions, whether pity-filled or problem-solving, are not only emotionally taxing but serve as a daily reminder that society often views childlessness as something to be fixed or pitied. The people I support in my online community share similar frustrations. One of the greatest challenges we face is managing these thoughtless comments, while navigating a world that was different to how we had imagined.
The Pain of Isolation
After my infertility journey came to an end in 2014, I felt completely unworthy. I believed I was a failure, not a “real” woman, and didn’t fit into the societal mould of what womanhood should be. As I questioned why I had endured so much pain, I realised that the expectations I had placed on myself were never truly mine. These were stories I had absorbed from childhood, from family, school, friends, and society at large. These narratives had convinced me that because I wasn’t a mother, I was somehow less than others. But that wasn’t true. None of it was.
From Shame to Self-Compassion
The more I explored these feelings, the more I realised that at the core of my struggle was shame. This invisible grief (known as disenfranchised grief) went unrecognised by those around me. After all, I hadn’t lost anything tangible. It was hard to find people who truly understood my feelings of loneliness in a world so centred around family. But as I reflected on my situation, I began to ask myself, “What do I really have to be ashamed of? Was it my fault that my body couldn’t carry a baby?” These questions led me to a pivotal realisation: many of the negative thoughts swirling in my mind were just that—thoughts. And thoughts can be changed! Instead of focusing on what I couldn’t control, I shifted my attention to how I spoke to myself. I worked on self-compassion and developed a toolkit of strategies, including Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). These tools helped me navigate my grief, challenge my limiting beliefs, and, most importantly, rebuild my sense of worth.
Embracing My Worth: The Birth of The Dovecote
In embracing my worthiness, I decided that I would no longer be ashamed of my situation. I took the leap and launched The Dovecote: Childless Support Organisation. Initially, sharing my personal story felt incredibly vulnerable, but over time, I realised that vulnerability is a source of strength. The outpouring of responses from others in my situation was overwhelming. People who, like me, felt isolated and unworthy, finally found a place where they weren’t alone. The Dovecote has grown into a community where I support childless people worldwide, gently guiding and supporting them through their own healing journeys. Together, we explore their passions, find purpose, and discover that worthiness is not tied to motherhood, but to our intrinsic value as human beings.
You Are Worthy
Feeling worthy starts with self-love, acceptance, and embracing our circumstances. We deserve lives that are rich and fulfilling – mother/father or not. Finding joy and passion through our pain is possible, though it takes time. We are all part of this world, and we all have something to offer. Be vulnerable. Be brave. Be authentic. People will love the real you, just as you are. You are worthy.
– Kelly Da Silva, Founder of The Dovecote.org
For more information about my work or to reach out for support, see links below: